If He Ever Cries (Gay Content, Ongoing)

Status: Finished

If He Ever Cries (Gay Content, Ongoing)

Status: Finished

If He Ever Cries (Gay Content, Ongoing)

Book by: Jean Roz

Details

Genre: Erotica

Summary

Kaiden turned heads everywhere he went. Twenty years of sexy, smart-tongued, intelligent, goodness. But he was in love the wrong man. The love of his life was already taken by someone he couldn't fight against. When the twists of life rip his lover off his hands, death doesn't seem like a remote solution. Until a new player joins the game, making Kaiden question what sacrifices he's willing to make for love.

Pictures here http://jean-roz.tumblr.com/my-writing

Summary

Kaiden turned heads everywhere he went. Twenty years of sexy, smart-tongued, intelligent, goodness. But he was in love the wrong man. The love of his life was already taken by someone he couldn't fight against. When the twists of life rip his lover off his hands, death doesn't seem like a remote solution. Until a new player joins the game, making Kaiden question what sacrifices he's willing to make for love.

Pictures here http://jean-roz.tumblr.com/my-writing

Chapter1 (v.1) - Chapter 1

Chapter Content - ver.1

Submitted: April 05, 2013

Reads: 1373

Comments: 9

A A A | A A A

Chapter Content - ver.1

Submitted: April 05, 2013

A A A

A A A

Chapter 1

 

Dear Agony

Just let go of me

Suffer slowly

Is this the way it's gotta be?

Don't bury me

Faceless enemy

I'm so sorry

--Dear Agony, Breaking Benjamin

 

Tears stung behind his eyes as he leaned over the sink. His hands gripped the counter in desperation--as if that grip held the remains of his sanity. Blood boiled in his veins in a mixture of anger and hurt. He looked at his reflection in the mirror and saw the eyes of accusation, searing more pain in his crumbling heart.

His hand trembled when it opened the faucet to splash water on his face. Residues of vomit flushed from his mouth. But he couldn't wake up from the nightmare waiting for him outside.

All he wanted was to scream--scream until his throat hurt--break something, punch someone, die. A sob caught in his throat and he silenced it the best he could--he must not let them hear. His trembling hands rubbed a towel on his face. Then threw it on the floor with the force he couldn't use to punch the face of the person that was causing him this pain.

You knew there was nothing in it for you. You knew it and you didn't end it! Don't act like the victim here. But no matter what truths he said to himself, the news still tortured his insides. His hands caught his head. Against all his efforts, his legs wobbled and dragged him backward until his back thumped the wall--and he plummeted.

Sitting on the floor, his eyes found the ceiling and tears spilled down his temples, wetting his ears. You have no right to feel betrayed. No right. He swallowed thick and opened his mouth, releasing the air trapped in his lungs. He braced himself when another sob choked him. I know, but it hurts so much. His eyes scrunched and more tears fell--and he let himself cry in silence.

He lost track of the time he had spent trapped in that hell as he ran out of tears to shed. What now? Do I embrace my new role with a smile on my face? "Sigh." Don't delude yourself, moron. Your role has always been the same. You are not losing anything you didn't have to begin with. Yet, knowing that didn't stop the pain--a pain he would carry forever.

Or not.

A hand reached inside his pocket. The little packet meant for fun felt heavy in his hand. He turned it over and over with his fingers. Five. More than enough magic to make him disappear. It trembled in his fist. His head banged the wall. Eyes squeezed shut. He could do it this time. This time he wouldn't back out, he could follow through.

But not right now. His hand slipped out of the pocket, leaving the magic inside for later. Because time didn't stop while he was in there and people were waiting for him outside the bathroom. If he didn't get out now, it wouldn't be long before one of them knocked on the door to ask if there was anything wrong--if he did it now, he would not be able to respond--and they would save him, because they loved him.

At least most of them did.

* * *

Kaiden took his place in the living room, and sat near his parents. All his energy was directed to making it through this gathering in one piece. Happy birthday wasn't happy anymore. But he wouldn't let anyone notice the change on his emotional state. Not after he convinced them that he looked like shit because the cake didn't sit well in his stomach.

He hadn't noticed his glass was tapping on the arm rest until he heard his sister speak again. "So, what do you say?" Kristina eyed her fiancee as her hand squeezed his. Then she turned to her parents and brother--wide smile and all--beaming in happiness. "Do we have your blessing?"

Kaiden's parents looked at each other and his mom took the word. "Wow." She released a nervous giggle. "This is certainly a surprise." She took time to talk again--obviously selecting her words with care--as the wise woman she was. "Tina, I always thought you would think different." Kristina tilted her head questioning. "I'm sorry, don't take me wrong. You're adults...professionals, and fully capable of raising a child. What I mean is: are you happy with this? You know you don't have to get married just because you're pregnant, honey." Alexandra smiled at her daughter and the fiancee. "You love her that much? You aren't doing this out of responsibility?"

Kaiden perked up his ear.

The fiancee cleared his throat, also looking for the right words. His lips pulled up in a half smile. His eyes didn't meet Kaiden's parents, but fixed to a point on the floor. "To be honest, I proposed right now because she's pregnant." He ran a fast palm up and down his lap. "But I do love her. I would've proposed eventually, anyway." He looked Kristina, love evident in his gaze. "She's the only one for me." With that, he wrapped an arm around her and she rested her head on his shoulder, a smile spreading on her face.

"She's the only one for me." The only one.

Alexandra got up and crossed to the other side of the coffee table with her arms extended. She hugged her daughter and then her future son-in-law. "If you love each other...," She placed a hand in his cheek to make him look at her. "...If you love her so much, of course we give our blessing. Right, honey?"

Christopher Taylor--Dr. T, as people called him at work--didn't stand up or hug the couple. But he nodded his approval and flashed a smile--the same gesture he always did--as a man of few words.

Kaiden glared from under his eyelashes at the man sitting across from him, holding hands with his sister. His eyes passed over the gold band supporting a diamond on her left hand's ring finger. With his eyes he said everything he wanted to say, but couldn't say out loud. Indeed, you are one cruel son of a bitch. He wanted to ask Daniel why--why didn't he tell Kaiden before? There had been many opportunities for him to say something. What about this morning? He could have told me this morning. This is what he rushed out for, right?

Daniel stared back and his expression told nothing to Kaiden. How good it would be if Kaiden could do that too...don't give a fuck about what other people felt. And there he was, feeling miserable, but Daniel gave nothing away. Not even a hint of happiness, regret, or guilt. Nothing. Poker face? Or I-don't-give-a-fuck face?.

"Oh, I know!" The voice of Alexandra broke the tension between the two men "Kai, take a picture of them with your new camera!" Alexandra clapped her hands three times at her awesome idea.

Kaiden's gaze broke away from Daniel and fell on his birthday present, sitting on the table, next to the leftovers of his birthday cake. Great. The first picture he would take with the super awesome camera his parents gave him as a birthday present, was going to be of these two. He tried to think of a way out of that, but Kristina spoke again.

"Kai? What about you? I know we are here to celebrate your birthday and we shouldn't have pulled everybody's attention to us." She lifted both her and Daniel's hands up and turned them so that the damn ring was in Kaiden's direction. "But we are so excited, we couldn't help share the news right away."

Kaiden couldn't fake a smile for the sake of concealment. But she smiled hopeful. "...We couldn't help...". Was it him or everyone else was oblivious to the contrast in Kristina's and Daniel's expressions? She was ignorant to the meaning behind the stares between the two men. Knowing her, she was thinking it was her little brother being protective of her.

He considered spilling everything in that instant. Call Daniel on his bullshit and deal with his share of the guilt. Thinking about it made him tense. He was the one losing the most in that deal. So he kept his mouth shut.

He gathered all the courage he could and got up. As he crossed the living room to where she was, no courage could take his feet out of the tar pit they were sinking in. His heart banged his chest without mercy, and his throat tangled in knots.

Standing in front of them, his eyes held back rivers. Crying wasn't his thing. Big boys don't cry. He learned that in his early teen years. Crying was for sissies. Since then, no tears in front of an audience. And he wasn't going to do it now. Over his dead, rotten body. But he felt like crying, and hard. Why is it so fucking difficult right now? A heavy sigh escaped from him. Suck it up, jackass.

Looking down at his sister from his height, he titled his head to the side and smiled with lips pressed tight as his hand rubbed the side of her arm. He looked her in the eyes with all the love he had for her, and wrapped her in his arms. She leaned on his chest, her own arms around her baby brother.

That hug was, as always, the little universe between them. Not even their parents understood that connection they had. Even to a stranger, theirs was the purest shape of love between siblings.

Images of them as kids fluttered in his memory. His small body slipping under her bedsheets, afraid of the monsters under his own bed. She would give him her flashlight that fought off beasts that lurked in the dark, and made up fantastic stories for him until his eyelids gave up resistance.

Silence reigned because no one dared interrupt this moment. He dropped a kiss on her hair. Without either one of them opening their mouths, he knew that she knew--like she always did--that he was happy for her. She pulled back and looked him in the eyes. "Thanks, Kai. Your blessing means a lot to me" and a tear rolled down her cheek.

His heart cringed. She will never know he was dying a slow death inside. That was a secret he would die for. I'm sorry I love your man. And the weight of that sin fell on his shoulders as he tightened his arms around her again. I'm so sorry.

He released her and extended his hand to Daniel with dignity. His chin was slightly up, with an air of elegance that came easy to him. Daniel took the hand without hesitation, and Kaiden gripped with force. He took a deep breath and spoke emphasizing each word. "You better make her happy" or I'll rip your dick off.

Both their hands squeezed tighter. The vein on Kaiden's temple threatened to burst any second as his eyes held Daniel's. He was sure Daniel understood.

Then an impulse came over him and he pulled Daniel in a tight embrace...the first and last one ever. "Wish you the best" came out for all to hear. "It was fun" was the whisper in Daniel's ear--and Kaiden was relieved his voice came out steady.

* * *

Eric spread out on his sofa after replenishing his beer supply in the living room. He was not leaving that sofa any time soon. He pressed the play button on the remote control to start the first action movie in the marathon he had meant to have for weeks.

A few minutes in, his cellphone rang and he rolled his eyes. Sorry, whoever you are. Can't talk to you right now. Nothing would stop him this time. He even gave up going out clubbing that night--with his partner in crime--for watching a spy fight terrorists with cars that turned invisible and cameras disguised as contact lenses. So he ignored the call.

Scene after scene escalated in intensity. The time bomb planted by the bad guy in the middle of the city was about to go off. Eric was on the edge of his sofa. Come on come on come on! Your chick is gonna blow up! And he sprung to his feet--the shit scared out of him--when the cellphone rang in perfect sync with the explosion.

"Goddamnit! Get the hint!" He tucked it under a cushion without checking who it was. Whoever was calling would have to wait until the credits rolled up on the screen.

The beep alert of a text message sounded next. Ignored.

The movie had a happy ending: bad guy dead, pretty girl in the arms of the hero, and the world had one less human organ smuggling organization. Eric picked up the empty cans and the text message alert beeped again, muffled under the cushion. He held the cans against his chest with one arm while he reached for the cellphone with the other.

His back stiffened when he read the first message. Then his heart rate kicked to overdrive when he read the second.

"I'm about to lose it" lingered in his head. The cans crinkled on his chest. He knew the meaning of those words. A quick dial had him waiting for his friend to pick up the phone. With every ring his nerves took more control of his movements. Come on. Pick up.

The call went to voice mail. "Fuck!" And the cans scattered as he ran for the door.

His hands trembled as he redialed. One ring. Two rings. Three. "Come on. Come on!"

"...What?"

He released all the air from his lungs and put a hand on his knee "God!" and picked up his breath "Where are you?"

No response.

"Goddamnit, answer me!"

"...My condo."

"I'm getting in the car right now. I'll be there in ten." God knows he didn't want to ask, but there was something in his friend's voice. Something familiar. Something very wrong. "How many did you take?"

No answer.

"Kaiden?"

"...One."

A sigh of relief washed over him. But relief didn't last. What in the world happened this time?

"Don't do anything stupid. Just wait for me, okay?"

And the line went silent.


© Copyright 2021 Jean Roz. All rights reserved.

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