I took a deep breath, ‘stop being ridiculous, stop being so ridiculous’ I repeated in my head, as I took another deep breath and knocked on the door in front of me. To explain the situation I found myself in, it is easiest to say that over the last couple of weeks I had become rather friendly with one of my university lecturers mainly through email and up until now I had thought the friendship was reciprocated even if I had developed the slightest of crushes on her, in fact she had become the centre attraction in many of my fantasies over the last few days. However this morning I had received a message from her requesting that I came to see her at the end of the day to discuss my progress on the course, the sight of this message had set alarm bells in my head, what if she knew how I felt about her? Had my email messages to her become too personal? Perhaps she felt it was inappropriate the amount of time we spent talking, as many of my friends had already said to me. I had so many questions buzzing around my mind in that split second between knocking on her door and her opening it.
She must have been waiting for me, as she opened the door almost as soon as I knocked, and god did she look good when I saw her?! Her cropped black hair framing her face and blending with her sharp black suit, her yellow blouse matching her striking yellow eye shadow which framed her beautiful deep brown eyes like sunflowers, and those shoes as always stunning, I had never seen her wear the same pair of heels twice and her penchant for unusual high heels was well known amongst everyone on campus. She greeted me with a friendly smile and politely asked me to come in gesturing for me to sit next to her at her desk. Her smile relaxed me slightly as I took a seat next to her, tugging at my short dress which had risen up considerably higher when I sat down, I looked up to see she was watching me smiling, when our eyes met I apologised and giggled slightly, to which she replied by resting her hand on my knee and saying it was ok and she was a nurse and had seen much more than that in her time with a somewhat louder laugh, and oh god her laugh it gives me butterflies every time I hear it.
‘Lily I am so glad to see you today, I think we need to talk a little about how you are managing with this course’. ‘oh ok’ I replied with a small smile, feeling a great relief that she hadn’t found out how I felt about her, although I imagine me smiling when beginning to discuss my many failings on the course would have looked somewhat odd to her. Anyhow she continued ‘I have been wondering how things are for you at the moment, I noticed that you seemed to have struggled with my latest module on bereavement counselling, is there any reason for this? Anything you would like to talk about so as I can…’ I interrupted her before she could finish, quickly telling her I was fine and didn’t have any problems. She turned around on her chair so she was facing me and leaned in to me again placing her hand on me, this time higher up on the outside of my thigh tracing small circles with her thumb which instantly sent a cascade of shivers through my body, she must have felt them as she grinned and gave my thigh a quick squeeze before returning her hands to her lap. As if that moment hadn’t even happened she continued ‘I am unable to help you if I don’t know what the issue is’ she said giving me a stern look to stop me from protesting, ‘and I don’t want to lose you from my course, you are a lovely girl who has the potential to be a wonderful psychiatric nurse and I don’t think either of us want you to miss out on that because of issues that I can help you with.’ Her features soften as she continued ‘I have also noticed that a lot of the emails you send me are in the early hours of the morning and you do look exhausted a lot of the time, do you not sleep well?’ I shook my head, she was spot on with that, ‘if I manage 4 hours sleep in one go I’m lucky’ I sighed, she paused tentatively, ‘I know it must be around a year since you lost your friend too, if that’s something you would like to talk about I am here for you.’ I didn’t reply, although it was a year ago it still felt as though it had only just happened, I could feel my throat starting to burn and the sting of tears starting to form in my eyes as I desperately focused on a freckle on my leg begging myself not to cry, while I could feel Louisa’s gaze resting on me. After a few moments had passed I took a deep breath and sniffed feeling as though I had composed myself enough to look up and string a sentence together saying that I was fine and needed to leave. Before I had time to look up I felt cool fingertips gently stroke down the side of my face, resting when they reached my chin before gently tilting it up so my gaze met hers as her thumb ever so lightly brushed my bottom lip. I had imagined her doing this before leaning in for a long passionate kiss so many times over the last few days but now it was really happening I found myself instantly reduced to floods of tears as so many emotions rushed over me. She grabbed me and pulled me into the hardest hug I have ever felt, as my sobbing subsided I realised my face was resting against her chest and she was holding my body tightly to hers while she twisted my curls around her fingers, her lips resting gently on the temple of my forehead. ‘I’m sorry’ I whisper as I try to pull away from her embrace, she allows me to move back a little as she sweeps her hands down my arms resting at my wrists where her grip tightens, again the feeling of her strength holding me makes my skin tingle with excitement while at the same time make me feel completely safe as though just her mere presence can protect me from anything, perhaps even from myself. Still holding my wrists down so as to stop me wiping the tears from my burning cheeks, she looks deep in to my eyes and tells me firmly ‘never apologise to me for expressing how you feel’ and with that releases my wrists. I stare back mesmerised by her sheer presence and what has just happened, as she takes a tissue and softly wipes the remaining tears away from my eyes and traces down my tear stained cheeks and across my top lip where my tears have collected teasingly with the very tip of her finger.
Hesitating slightly I let the moment linger as we just sit and gaze into one another’s eyes then overwhelmed I find myself draping both hands at the back of her neck and resting myself legs apart on her knee and pulling her closer to me until our lips meet. Soft at first our lips caress each other, with growing confidence I move my mouth down her neck planting kisses until I reach her collar bone at which point she lets out the softest of moans, I take this as my cue to move back to kissing her mouth this time more firmly, taking her bottom lip between my teeth and giving it a nibble teasingly. Louisa’s response to this was what I had been dreaming of, waiting for, I was sat on top of her but she instantly took back control, with the swiftest of movements she had placed both hands under my dress which had already risen up to reveal my gold and white silk underwear, with her hands underneath my thighs she picked me up and placed me on the edge of the table where her handbag and coat sat, spreading my knees apart she forced her body close to me allowing my legs to rap around her. Her touch sends shivers through me as she sweeps her hands down my back and around coming to rest on my hips, her eyes are fixed on mine now, the intense level of eye contact makes me feel uncomfortable but the look in her eyes warns me not to look away. Her fingers still cool against my burning skin begin to move under my dress up towards my knickers, unbearably close then she freezes as a loud knock on her office door interrupts us. She grabs my arm and pulls me back over to the chair I had previously been sat on, then calmly opens the door and greets the lecturer opposite her quickly explaining she was in the middle of an appointment with a student and asks if they could reschedule for tomorrow. All the while my adrenaline levels are soaring and my heart is racing feeling as though it could burst through my chest wall at any given point with a mixture of excitement and the fear of almost being caught.
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